Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
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[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
best review i’ve ever seen
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale