Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
And now we wait
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter