@burntmybagel: Twitter: something to read when people are talking to you.
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@jake_lach: You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they're chewing
@TheToddWilliams: Wife: I'm glad you're watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends? Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
@1MeLrO: You think you got problems I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti Supper is ruined I tell you
@ElleOhHell: Roses are red violets are blue celery is green bees are black and yellow please help me I can't stop pumpkins are orange satan is vermillion