On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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normalize having existential bread
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*