[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party