I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.