@ShoutingGoddess: Twitter: The addiction that talks back.
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@JoshuaHvr: This is your brain- *holds out egg* This is your brain on drugs- *puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
@chuuew: [Dinner with family of Owls] ME: Want me to say grace? DAD OWL: No. We don't do that M: I thought you were- D.O: Pls don't M: birds of pray?
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It's a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
@KevinBuffalo: Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?" Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?" Me: "Buffalo Sabres." Wife: "You're an idiot"