Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?