they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
You Might Also Like
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine