[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool