Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab