Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I need this for my side hustle.