Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?