Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You Might Also Like
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.