Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
You Might Also Like
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.