Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
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DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Not all heroes wear capes….
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce