Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.