Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Breaking news:
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.