Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
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my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?