me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.