70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.