Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.