[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Wait a minute…
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Sounds like a bargain
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
This is the best one I’ve seen
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss