I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Van Gone
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”