@BeardSpice: "Two birds with one stone, how about all the birds" God thinks, hurling an asteroid toward Earth
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@House_Feminist: (Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane) 5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT
@chuuew: LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino's Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
@NicestHippo: [girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]
@SocialExtortion: I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I'm taking a selfie and you're in the background