Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.