Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…