@RatCasket: [two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]
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@QueefTornado: Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
@brendohare: Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.
@BRENTHOR: Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?