HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
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Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*