“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
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“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
🤣could you imagine
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item