“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
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I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
necessity is the mother of invention
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.