‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
jesus, what did this guy do
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.