@IvankaTrump: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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@hotmessminushot: I don't quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don't even like 15 people altogether in my life.
@dshack8: Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
@beefman138: Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?