Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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My sex drive has a dui
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.