@IvankaTrump: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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@jjax44: I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone's like "New sandwich?"
@CheryeDavis: Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don't look rude. Now it looks like I'm all excited about stupid shit, and I'm Okay!! with that.
@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
@carlyken: You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.