Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
forgive me baja for i have blast
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
oh shit
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.