@Honda_954: Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, "does this taste funny", the other replies "No".
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@Douchekevin: Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911
@Shade510: Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
@painted_eel: *whispers to old lady at Starbucks* one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
@ComedyAndTruth: Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?