@Honda_954: Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, "does this taste funny", the other replies "No".
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@thenatewolf: Detective: someone's been stealing boats, can we look in your basement? Me: I don't have a basement *sound of foghorn from basement*
@mollzbenn: I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."
@YoungFunE: I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I'm like "That's enough exercise for today"
@PMTheron1: I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.