@histwaddle: Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.
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@Tmoney68: My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
@Crutnacker: Biden: Told Trump about Carter's ghost in the West Wing Obama: Carter is still alive Biden: He doesn't know that
@KeithAshers: Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics...you know, just like a real spider.
@jordan_stratton: [job interview] Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I'll be able to buy pants. I can't just skip ahead to the last step.