If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
You Might Also Like
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?