Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.