Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
<—- homeless romantic
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
DOOO EEEET
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
bears
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here