Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows