Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.