The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
road rage
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-