Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
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the only organized thing in my life is crime
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
But I really needed water water water
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
BRO LMFAO
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.