[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.