[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Okay me first
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…