They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
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I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush