someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
This story is comedy gold 😂
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
that lip filler tho
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Taking phone security to the next level.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice