Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Cake!!
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors