me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Do not levitate over flowers
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”