eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
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I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Lol.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.