Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.