[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner