[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
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me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.