Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.