Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
This trial is so absurd 😭
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED