Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).